


Living for us

by Natendo



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sylvixweek2019, deathofacharacter, fe3h - Freeform, felixhugofraldarius, firemeblemthreehouses, lastletter, miklan, sylvainjosegautier, sylvix - Freeform, truelove
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 13:15:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20817881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natendo/pseuds/Natendo
Summary: Sylvain doesn't know if he will return from the battle against Miklan. He writes a heart felt letter to Felix just in case.





	Living for us

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,  
This is my first time ever writing a fanfic. I have been so inspired by all the incredible Sylvix fanfic and just had to write my own.  
I cried a LOT whilst writing this, And apologize in advance for the sadness that follows.  
Please be gentle! haha also If you would like to share or leave a comment that would be amazing!

It has been five days.

Five days since his world came crashing down around him. Five days since he last saw those beautiful amber eyes light up. Five days since he last saw that glorious crooked smile. 

Five days without Sylvain. 

Five days since Sylvain died.

Five days since Miklan robbed him of everything.

He awoke from another nightmare drenched in sweat; hand outstretched reaching out for Sylvain. The echoes of a scream still ringing in his ears. The nightmares were almost a welcome reprieve from reality at this point. At least in his dreams Sylvain was still breathing, light still shone in his eyes and a flicker of a smile remained on his blood stained lips. The waking world was far crueller; Sylvain was gone and buried no traces of his light and warmth remaining. Felix shuddered placing a hand on the empty space where his partner would have slept by his side. His other hand still clutching one of Sylvain’s old shirts. 

After the funeral he had taken to sleeping in Sylvain’s room, at first his class mates had objected stating that it would just hurt him more. But they hastily abandoned their protests after seeing Felix’s almost feral snarl in response. Baring his teeth in protest, he has said some…regrettable things particularly to the boar. But he couldn’t find the energy to care; his peers had become an unwanted burden to him now. How could they possibly understand? Those idiots were still getting on with life, still functioning. And most horrific of all still fucking smiling. He had seen them from a distance talking idly, acting like nothing had happened. He wondered how different it would have been if Mercie had lost Annette, or the boar had lost dedue. Maybe the assholes would grieve then? He snorted, there should have been some guilt involved in this way of thinking. But he really didn’t care anymore, none of them mattered. In fact, nothing mattered anymore. 

He was living in a bubble clinging to the scents of his soul mate, desperately holding on to the last remnants of Sylvain. He didn’t have any desire to be part of this world anymore. He fought back a sob as his eyes began to sting “we were supposed to die together you idiot” he whispered into the empty room “we’ll stick together until we die together …remember?” those words broke the dam and the tears poured freely down his cheeks. What the fuck was he doing? Sobbing uncontrollably conversing with the dead? What good would that do? But what else could he do? Sylvain was gone he had nothing and no one left. He had never felt so desperately alone, and his heart ached for his lovers touch. Just one more god damn smug smirk, or heated kiss accompanied by a warm hand brushing through his hair. He forced himself to stand furiously wiping the tears from his stinging eyes. Storming towards the door, maybe some fresh air would help? Another snort. “Don’t fucking kid yourself”, nothing can help.

As he passed by Sylvain’s desk something caught his eye, a letter half buried under other paperwork. Why was he just noticing this now? And more importantly why was he so drawn to it; it felt like his soul was being drawn towards it. Like it was calling out to him. He cautiously approached the desk, his breath catching in his throat as he lifted the letter. Its wax seal adorned the Gautier crest, and the front was emblazoned with the name FELIX in Sylvain’s surprisingly elegant handwriting. He froze. A letter for him? But when did Sylvain write this? Why hadn’t he given it to him? He felt the world shifting beneath his feet; this would be the last words Sylvain will ever say to him. The final conversation… Should he open it? What if it was something stupid? Hands shaking he pulled out the chair and flumped into it “I have to read it” it was almost like Sylvain had known he would find it. He steeled himself for whatever the contents might be. Breath erratic and hands jittering he proceeded to open the letter. He felt something heavy in the envelope along with the letter; he dropped it cautiously into his hand. He felt the solid weight of the item in his hand, the cool metal against his palm. It was a beautiful ring, Silver with intricate details all worked around a beautiful shining emerald stone. As he examined the ring more closely he noticed the inside of the ring had been carved with an inscription. ‘Yours, and yours alone, forever. Sylvain’. Felix stopped breathing his chest tight, “this is... an engagement ring?” his head was spinning. Sylvain was planning to propose to him?!? It was at that moment he realised he was still holding the letter in his other shaking hand. Right. The letter. He tried to calm his breathing, placing the beautiful ring onto the desk in front of him. He held it out with both hands trying to steady the tremor of his hands and began to read:

Dear Fe  
‘I have written this letter hundreds of times. Every time I know we face another battle. I have no intentions of dying don’t get me wrong, I will do everything in my power to keep our promise. But I still need to do this, maybe it has just become a weird pre battle ritual? I don’t know. But I have so much to say to you and if I was ever robbed of the chance to say these words before I work up the courage, these letters are my fail safe I guess?  
I know I write these letters before every battle, but this time feels different. I am scared Fe, facing my brother after all these years… honestly he still terrifies me to this day. And something in my heart has always told me that he would be the one to kill me. I sound crazy right now right? Haha I can just imagine you rolling your eyes at me now. Damn you are cute when you pout! Ahhh anyway I’m getting side tracked aren’t I? So this impending fight with my brother has me particularly on edge and so… this letter is a little different. All of these letters have been me baring my soul to you I guess, but I have something to give you to this time. Because I was planning on doing so after this fight regardless.  
Fe, we have spent the last few years stealing kisses in dark corridors, sneaking into each other’s rooms at night. Holding hands when no one is watching and having frankly the best damn sex in secluded spaces. Oh how I bet you are blushing right now! Sorry Fe I couldn’t resist, you look so beautiful when you blush, and it fills me with pride to still be the reason behind most of those red cheeked moments. ‘

Felix looked up from the letter blushing as his lover had predicted half laughing, half sobbing. “You bastard” he cursed quietly before continuing a smile appearing for the first time in five days.

‘Anyway, we have discussed what our relationship means before. And I know that the weight of responsibility for both of us has kept us from going public. But dammit Fe, I don’t care anymore. I love you okay? Like not just a love that comes from being childhood friends. I love you with my entire heart and soul; it’s the kind of love that consumes your every thought. You are the first thing I think of when I wake and my last thought before falling asleep. Your smile makes my heart want to burst out my chest. You are so damn beautiful all I want in this world is to make you happy. And be by your side. Fuck Gautier and fuck Fraldarius, I will forsake my inheritance gladly for you. Felix you are the only person who has always seen me for who I am, the only person I truly let my guard down around. Goddess, I just love you so much! We have never said those three words to each other out loud. But I know you feel the same Fe, every time we press our foreheads together and stare into each other’s eyes, every burning kiss after a battle, even when we make love. You have always told me with your actions. But I needed to say it, really put those words out there. If I die I need you to know, to make sure you have no doubts as far as my feelings for you are concerned. And I also need you to know that I knew, that I wouldn’t be dying wondering if you loved me too. Trust me, I know. And I am the luckiest man alive to have your heart! (Yikes that would be in bad taste if you’re reading this and I died …haha’

Felix couldn’t help but let out a startled laugh, “you complete and total idiot” he thought. He could just imagine Sylvain’s perfect smile as he wrote, typical of him to make light of such a serious possibility. His hands were no longer shaking and his body had unconsciously relaxed into the chair as he continued reading:

‘Anyway this is the part that I wouldn’t usually include; I always intended to do this in person. I have it all planned out too. But that little fear in the back of my mind is making me write this, just in case. Just in case.. So Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Will you marry me? Will you be my husband? Gods even the thought of calling you my husband makes my heart want to burst out of my chest. I bet your curious right? About what I was planning? Well let’s just say it involved a beautiful starlit stroll to your most favourite place. Where we would spar into the night ending with a dance and picnic, with all your favourite spicy dishes. Once we were both a little tipsy on the fancy whisky you love so much I would take your hand, bend my knee and ask my best friend, lover, partner in life …. My world, to marry me. And of course I’m sure your face would flush and you would look like an angel in candle light and I would melt as you uttered the most incredible word … yes. How romantic is that?! I always wanted to court you properly you know? To sweep you off your feet and show how much you mean to me. Gods I hope I get the chance to do this. I promise I will, no more waiting. I wish I could shake this horrible feeling. Fe, I hope I’m wrong. I really do. I hope you never have to read this letter.’ 

The tears began to spill over his cheeks again. Gods how he wished he wasn’t reading this letter too. He could picture every moment of Sylvain’s grand proposal and the pain of knowing it would never be was like a knife in his chest. Twisting and ripping at his very soul. He looked back down at the letter through blurry tear stained vision, there was only one paragraph left … he bit his lip hands gently shaking once more and powered on:

‘Fe. If I am gone, I want you to listen to what I say next. I know you are a stubborn bastard, but please listen. Fe we will be together again one day I promise, we may have promised to die together. But our promise and love goes beyond this life. Our souls are tied together; we will always find each other no matter what comes next. I will always be with you, okay? My love for you won’t have changed or lessened. I may not be able to reach out and touch you, but trust in the fact that wherever you go I will be there. So let’s change our promise a little? We stay together forever. I don’t want you running into a battlefield and being reckless and getting yourself killed okay? I would never forgive you if you let yourself die needlessly for me. Fe, I know you. I know you will have stopped functioning; you will have cut everyone out and be on the verge of just stopping completely. But I ask as my final wish for you to LIVE, not just exist. Fe it will take time, but you will be happy again. I want that so much for you. Don’t let my death become another chip on your shoulder. We both  
know what happens when people let their past take over their future. Live your life as fully as you can, you are so incredible and have so many possibilities in your future so don’t you dare throw it away. And please remember our friends are there for you; don’t fight against their love please. They may not understand you the way I do, but their hearts are in the right place and they truly care for you. You don’t have to be alone in this, or in life. Just accept those hands reaching out to you. I wish I could be by your side on your journey, but if I can’t I at least want my last words to hopefully guide you into a happy future.  
I love you more than words can every truly express  
Yours always (your husband)  
Sylvain ‘

Felix sat in silence, with only the sound of his gentle sobbing echoing around the room. Tears continued to flood from his eyes. He had no idea how long he sat there, just crying letting out all his pain and anguish. But he could see the sun was beginning to set from the pale orange glow coming through his window. He stood up shakily placing the letter down gently on the desk and retrieving the ring. He held it tightly in a clenched fist. His cheeks were burning and his face hurt from crying so hard. He opened the door to Sylvain’s room slowly, trying to ensure no one would be alerted by his movement. His legs began to move without him really having a conscious destination in mind. His mind was wrapped in a fog, he was only distantly aware that he was still trudging forward. Eventually he came to a stop. Ah, of course. Sylvain’s grave.  
He surveyed the stone, with the engraving of Sylvain’s name fresh, along with the year of his birth and death. How cruel to remind him how short his lovers life had been. He hadn’t visited the grave yet, Couldn’t bring himself to. It somehow made it more real. A gravestone was so official. There were dozens of flowers, notes and other offerings around his grave. Of course there would be. Sylvain always brought joy to those around him. His smile would light up any room he entered. He was truly loved, as he should be. Felix took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. He should apologise to his friends later. He knew how much they were hurting too. He has seen the dark circles under the boar’s eyes from sleepless nights. And the red eyes of his other fellow classmates. Sylvain was right. He needed them, he wasn’t truly alone. He just had to open his eyes and see the warm smiles and hands reaching out to him. He sighed. Putting a hand on Sylvain’s gravestone. He unclenched his other hand to reveal the ring. He then positioned himself onto one knee in the traditional proposal fashion. Eyes filled with tears, he proceeded to put the ring on his left ring finger. It fit perfectly. Of course it did. The tears began to fall once more, the sunlight reflecting off the beautiful emerald on his engagement ring. Felix looked up to the sky, the sunset was strikingly beautiful. In amongst the deep reds, purples and yellows there was a stark burning orange. Just like Sylvain’s hair… He closed his eyes rising to stand. Tears still tumbling down his cheeks.  
“ Yes I will marry you, you idiot” he sobbed “ and I will honour your last wish Sylvain. I will live my life to its fullest for both of us. And when the time comes, I will come find you. I know you knew it anyway…. But my god Sylvain I love you so much. I will always love you. My husband…

…We stay together, forever”  
With those last words he wiped the tears from his eyes, and smiled. Walking away from the sadness to embrace a life he would live fully for both of them, the emerald on his ring shining brightly in the last of the sunlight as he walked confidently into the future.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my twitter @natendo_art  
and insta: @natendo_art


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